Jumping Back In ...

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

― Confucius

Last week, I received a phone call from my mother. “Tracy, you didn’t finish!” were the first words she said. “Finish what?” I said, a little confused. She said “You didn’t finish telling your story. People are waiting to hear the rest. You didn’t even get to the surgery yet.” Immediately I felt nervous. She was right. I didn’t finish. I had to stop and think about why I slowed down with the story. I know that at times I questioned whether people really wanted to hear more. But the real truth is I was having a difficult time writing about my journey—especially the part of it where I had left off. I didn’t realize how traumatic the experience had actually been, and writing about it was bringing out all of those emotions. I’m not an emotional person, so this was uncomfortable for me. As a result, I just pulled back a little bit and didn’t realize it.

My mom’s phone call helped me to recognize that I have not written about the hardest turn of events that occurred (probably on purpose). The comments, feedback and encouragement about this blog have helped tremendously. I guess the best thing to do is to jump back in and keep moving forward…  I have the best people in the world in my corner!!! So here goes:

The day of the surgery, my sister drove me to the hospital. I know she sent messages to all of my friends, but, to this day, I have no idea what the messages said. All I remember is getting sedated and then waking up. My surgery lasted 4 ½ hours. I had assumed that when I woke up I would be all bandaged up. I wasn’t. I was however definitely heavily medicated! I woke up, looked down inside my hospital gown, saw these perky breasts and I yelled out, “Did you do the surgery?” No one responded, so and I yelled again. “Hey! Did you do the surgery? Did you get all the cancer out?” (Yes, I really yelled that! I guess I need reassurance that it was removed. When they initially told me about the cancer and its location, I kept thinking I could feel it and that it was going to move somewhere. The cancer was messing with my head so much I couldn’t wait to get it out!)

A nurse came over to comfort me and said, “Yes, your surgery went well. You are in recovery until you completely wake up from the anesthesia.” I think I dozed back off because the next thing I remember was being wheeled into a room filled with flowers and cards. Everything seemed so surreal. I don’t really like hospitals or sitting still, so I knew this was not going to be easy. The best thing I remember was not being in any pain. I was on pain medication that was connected to my IV, and all I had to do was push a button to administer it anytime I felt uncomfortable. The staff really took care of me at Northside Hospital. The nurses were the best. These were some strong meds that kept me extremely comfortable!! I emphasize this because everyone that came to visit would look at me like I was suffering, and actually I was really comfortable. The surgery was the easy part (if there was an easy part). It was the next step, the recovery, that was definitely the hard part…

(to be continued)

Guest Blog Series - A Test of Sisterhood

A close friend of mine unexpectedly lost her twin sister due to complications from cancer.  I asked her to be a guest blogger today.  Please read her journey below.

A Test of Sisterhood  -  By Courtney Waller

            I watched in awe as Kim ordered a second pouring of the $11 glass of white wine. I rarely spent more than $10 on a whole bottle. She was in town for her annual Christmas visit. This was our one chance to go out alone. ‘Is this how cancer survivors live?,’ I remember thinking. Kim ordered the meal and drinks that she wanted that night. She had decided to put her MFA in Creative Writing to great use and write a novel. I was honored when she suggested we do the project together. In April, Kim, our parents, my husband and our two children were planning to go to Disney World for a family vacation/celebration. We were also making our plans to visit the Dominican Republic together, just the two of us.

            Kim celebrated the conclusion of her radiation treatment a few months earlier with friends in an all-inclusive Miami resort. I was invited but did not go.  How could I take time off work that time of year?  How would I pay for the flight from Atlanta to Miami?  We could always have our own celebration later. Kim had survived Hodgkins Lymphoma. We had time—at least that’s what we thought…

            A month after our night on the town, Kim called our home to ask my husband Jacquay for iPhone advice. We joked about the “real” reason she called: to wish our son a happy third birthday. Somehow, Kim had managed to send the gift on time but hadn’t remembered the correct day to call. No one could talk to Kim McCoy without responding to her contagious and genuine laughter. That night was the last time I’d ever hear my twin sister’s voice.

            At 3:19AM, the following day, I found myself staring at the large red numbers on the alarm clock, unable to sleep. Two hours later, our father called to let me know that Kim was in a Florida Emergency Room with pneumonia. Unexpected calls from my parents still make me nervous. By the end of that day, my parents, husband, his mother, several of Kim’s friends and I had made their way to the hospital at various times throughout the day by plane and by car. My children were now in the care of my father-in-law. My mother-in-law wanted to stay with us longer, but was needed to help with the children. As a nurse who specializes in treating cancer patients, she was able to help my parents decipher the medical talk and what we could expect next.

Kim’s ex-husband visited the next day. I tried to warn him of Kim’s condition over the phone. However, the sight of her attached to machines and unable to breathe on her own forced him to stumble backwards. That was also the day that a nurse informed me that Kim had coded around 3:00 AM Saturday morning—the same moment I was suddenly awakened and unable to sleep.

On February 1, 2012, my twin sister Kim passed away peacefully in the hospital. I held her right hand. Mommy held her left while Daddy stood close by with my husband at her feet. Her illness was the result of a rare infection related to her cancer treatment. We were both thirty-three, just a few months shy of our next birthday and now a lifetime away from all of our plans.

To this day, Kim is always on my mind. Dealing with the pain of losing her is a continuous part of my life now. I struggle not to dwell on how unfair this all seems. Yet, tears cloud my vision as I write this post. I am thankful for the thirty-three years we had together. At times, the memories of peace and her joy that I felt visiting her in the hospital confuse me. I know she waited for us to get there. I know she waited for me. We began our lives together as tiny cells in our mother’s womb, invisible and undetectable. Even now our bond may be invisible to others, but it is so very real and tangible to me. 

Courtney and Kim

Just For The Fathers ...

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.”

~ Sigmund Freud

Someone recently said to me: “All Dads are good. Some just never learned to be a man.” I found this simple statement so impactful—and upon reflection, so true. It can be interpreted in many ways. This made me think of my biological father and his inability to be there for his children. There are many things that happened in his life that contributed to his absence. As an adult, I can now understand and accept that he was a good person but just never learned to be a man…

With Father’s Day fast approaching, thoughts of strong men from my life run through my mind. My grandfather comes to mind first. Affectionately called D.L. by his peers, he was known to be a very wise man. As I was growing up, he stressed the importance of living by “The Golden Rule” long before I even understood what this meant or entailed. It took many years for me to grasp the true meaning, but I can remember his voice saying it like it was yesterday. “Always treat people the way you would want them to treat you.” I would call my granddaddy everyday as a child and read to him. He would listen to every word. He would also let me read as many books as I wanted to him each time I called. (Really, I could read 20 books, and that amazing man would still be on the other end of the phone listening!!) My granddaddy told me I was special and would say, “You’re going to make it happen!” I would light up each and every time I heard those words. They still ring in my ears today, and it boosts my confidence whenever there is doubt.  He is truly missed…

“The greatest thing a FATHER can do to his children, is to love their mother.”

~ Anjaneth Garcia Untalan

My dad, the man that raised my sister and me as his own, was truly heaven-sent. Witnessing the way he has loved my mother has truly been a gift. He has been by her side through everything and has never missed a beat. The lessons he taught me helped mold me into the woman I am today. My dad had four girls and wanted to make sure that his daughters were independent. He was a true entrepreneur and not afraid to take risks. He can certainly take the credit for how hard I work at being a serious business woman…also unafraid to take risks. Life is way too short! He’s the best PaPa my daughters could ever have.

This Father’s Day I want you to reflect on the many men that are present and enhancing the lives of others. Today let’s celebrate the fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers and godfathers. We love you and we need you!! Happy Father’s Day!

Over 5500 Views!... Thank You!

My friend Courtney sent me a quote the other day:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ~ Anias Nin

It moved me…It got me thinking about the many conversations and emails I’ve had over the past few months—the numerous calls saying, “I followed up on my mammogram appointment because I talked to you.” Or “I can’t believe you are sharing this. I went through the same thing, but I didn’t share it with people I don’t know.” And “I’m so proud of you. You are inspiring.”

I recently realized that I have stood in my own way when it comes to accomplishing the goals I set out to accomplish.  (How many people can relate to that?)  A lot of times when we do something that is effortless to us we don't think of it as a talent.  It usually takes a lot of feedback from others to build up our self-confidence enough to believe we can make big things happen.  I believe that, in any situation, your attitude about it is everything. Throughout this entire journey, it was extremely important for me to keep constructive, encouraging people and positive energy around me. Just the thought of helping someone else through my words is touching. Life is about taking risks and stepping out on faith. I believe that now more than ever ... 

At one point, someone asked me, “Weren’t you afraid of what people might think?”

It wasn't just the question.  It was paired with a look of "I can't believe you are doing this."

Well, if I went through life making decisions based on what others think, I would be crazy. When faced with the difficult decision such as the one I had to make, there would have been so much more at risk if I had chosen to do nothing. Then after going through all of this, I found myself in a place where I felt like this experience has to have a purpose.  (It was a powerful feeling that wouldn't go away.)  I couldn’t just go through all of this and then simply move forward like nothing had happened. It’s still a vulnerable and personal decision to share my story, but sharing for me right now has a purpose. It helps me heal and strengthens my spirit. I am reminded everyday by the positive feedback and comments (most of which I receive privately) about this blog and my journey.  It's a great feeling to have had over 5500 views already!   To everyone who has taken the time to not only read this blog but also to respond with words of support, I would like to say thank you. Your messages motivate me and encourage me to continue. I know that I am forever changed by this experience…

I would love to know about an experience that happened in your life that forever changed you! Please see this blog as a platform of sharing, inspiration and healing.

(to be continued…)

  

Unexpected Angels…

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.  ~Rumi

This journey has had plenty of unexpected moments and places from where strength and courage had to be pulled. One of the most unexpected surprises was a phone call I got from a friend (we will call him 2Trillion!) who told me he was taking a trip to Texas to visit Joel Osteen’s church. Pretty much everyone is familiar with Joel Osteen and his family ministry. I told him to let me know how it goes and to have a great trip. I wished I could have gone.  Not only did he go there and visit the church, he had the opportunity to talk to Dodie Osteen (Joel Osteen’s Mother) about me. He said he told her all about me. Dodie Osteen is known for her ministry of love and compassion. She is also a cancer survivor and has the most powerful testimony I have ever read. She wrote a book called ‘Healed of Cancer.’ I was truly honored when she gifted me her book complete with a personal inscription inside. I have read this book at least five times already, and I carry it with me everywhere I go. The messages in the book are so powerful. I believe the spirit and the mind have a lot to do with our physical state, and this book helped me get my spirit and my mind right! If I ever got the opportunity, I would love to thank her in person. I would love to express to her how that book she so kindly gave me played such an integral role in my healing process.

Another unexpected angel in my journey was Dr. Jaqueline Walters--many of you may know her from the show ‘Married to Medicine.’ A two-time cancer survivor, she was someone I connected with last year through a mutual friend because I knew she had the same surgery. I had met and spoken with her a few times over the past couple of years, but I didn’t know her very well. That quickly changed. Our first of many phone calls lasted for an hour. She helped me mentally prepare by telling me things I should get ready for that she knew from having gone through the same procedure herself. A lot of people say, “I’m here if you need me.” Or “Call me anytime.”  When Jackie said it, she really meant it. Every time I had a question or concern, she was right there when I reached out. Before going to the hospital, she told me all the things I needed to make sure I had. The day of my surgery she showed up with a big box. She said it was just a gift. (Who doesn’t love getting  gifts!) I opened the box and it was filled with pairs of beautiful pajamas ranging from casual to cute and sexy. She said, “All the pajamas button up because you won’t be able to put anything over your head for a while.” I was speechless. The action was so thoughtful. Of course I had not thought of that. It meant so much that she cared enough to do that for me. She knew that only someone who had gone through this would know things like that. When the pain and muscle spasms got unbearable, it was Jackie that I could text at 2am and she would hit me right back with some encouraging statement. She always knew just what to say because she had been there not that long ago. I would shake it off and get my mind right. Jackie also came out to my house to visit me while I was recovering. Unexpectedly, she had another gift in hand. She brought me the softest blankets and booties that you heat in the microwave. They smelled like lavender -- soothing and beautiful. Talk about feeling good! I am thankful for her and her kindness. There are still people in the world that just do because they care about helping others. This connection was only the beginning. Now, I am preparing to help Jackie with her non-profit for breast cancer called ‘Fifty Shades of Pink.’  Don’t worry, you will hear a lot more about that real soon!

There are so many great things that came out of this bad situation… (to be continued)

My Mom Saved My Life …

“When you are a mother you are never really alone in your thoughts. You are connected to your child and to all those who touch your lives. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”   ~ Sophia Loren

I have always thought of my mom as my hero. She is the strongest woman I know. I have never witnessed a woman overcome so many obstacles and handle life with such grace. She instilled the most valuable life lessons. She is the ultimate survivor!  My mom has always played the hand she was dealt (no matter how crappy it was) without complaining. Her beautiful spirit is unforgettable, and her smile is sure to light up any room. Growing up we didn’t have much, but I never felt like I missed having anything. Her caring, comfort and compassion were much more filling than any material things would have been.  She taught me the importance of being independent and how to be responsible.  I grew up fearless believing I can do anything…

I put off writing this particular post because it is very difficult to share this part of my journey. One week before my surgery, I had to face the most difficult task—telling my mom about my diagnosis. I had avoided it for as long as I could. This was the third attempt at telling her, and I knew it was time to follow through. I knew she would take it hard, and I knew I had to be strong. I found myself worrying more about how my mother was going to handle it than worrying about my surgery. I visit my parents often so my coming over was not unusual. It was before I was getting ready to leave that I announced that I needed to talk to them. I turned the television off and then turned to face my mom and dad. My dad says, “What? You’re not about to say you’re pregnant are you?” We all laughed. He certainly broke the ice. I stayed strong and turned off my emotional side. I just said what I had to say head on. I told them I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was going to be okay. My mother immediately broke down. There was no consoling her. Her youngest daughter had just told her the news she dreaded the most.  All I could say was it was going to be okay and it really was going to be okay!!  She kept saying that was all she prayed for was her children to be spared from the disease she had battled twice in the past nine years. It took a while, but after convincing my mom to listen I explained to her that I had been going to the doctor and that my surgery was set for the following week.  I told her every detail. I know you may be wondering why I waited to tell Mom. I didn’t want her to worry about the decision I had to make or to fret about the details. I know, from being a mother myself, you always want to make everything better for your children from the moment they are born. I didn’t want to put a burden on her knowing there was nothing she could do to make it better. I feel like she felt as if there were something she could have done to protect me from this ‘monster’ that had chosen to invade my body. When my mom pulled herself together, she gave me a look of amazement and said, “You are so strong. I can’t believe how strong you are.” To that I simply replied, “I got it from you.”

I told my Mom that she had to look at it as if she saved my life. It’s the truth. Had she not gotten breast cancer the second time, I would have never thought about getting a mammogram when I did. My mom spoke with a friend that echoed this very thing. She told her, “I had to go through it a second time to save my baby.” She told me that was when she realized that her prayers had been answered. And I agree they were…

Throughout this journey, I got support from some of the most unexpected places that you would not believe…

(to be continued) 

Mom and The Polka-Dot Boo-Boo

Telling the Kids ...

With Mother’s Day fast approaching, I will start by saying that everyday is Mother’s Day to me. I wake up each morning to the best two gifts I’ve ever gotten!! Not a day goes by where I don’t thank God for my babies. (They are actually still at the age where they don’t mind me calling them my babies.)  They were both so strong throughout this entire ordeal. I found myself struggling before my surgery with: “How am I going to tell my babies about all of this? They look to me for everything. They will be here and they need to know what is happening…” I believe in telling children the truth. (They are always smarter than we think.) How do you explain breast cancer to a child?

This was a struggle I put off for as long as I could. I had spoken with both of my children’s teachers about what was going on, and one of them suggested we go to the library and look for a book to help explain.  I was all for it.  She told me that she had unfortunately dealt with this issue several times in her classes over the years.  We went to the school library and got on the computer. As we scrolled the screen I thought, “Note to self: There are not many books out that explain cancer on a child’s level.” Then one jumped out at me--one of the merely two we found. It was called “Mom and The Polka-Dot Boo-Boo.” I knew right then that it was perfect without even reading it. I couldn’t wait to tell my Mom about it.  When I did, she was so excited that she jumped right on the computer to order it.

The girls and I sat down with the book together and read. “Mom and The Polka-Dot Boo-Boo” is a gentle story explaining breast cancer through rhyming text to a young child. It includes things that may come along such as loss of energy and hair but emphasizes there is never a loss of love… It’s written by a Mom (Eileen Sutherland) and illustrated by her young daughter (Maggie Sutherland). My daughters loved the child-drawn pictures. This book helped by making such a difficult step easier for me.

The book starts off like this:

I have some news to share with you, to help you understand.  I have a boo-boo in my breast.  It is called cancer, and…

It’s like a polka dot that neither you nor I can see.  It’s settled in behind my skin and we need to set it free...

They were not scared learning of this, and I reassured them everything would be okay. (That’s always the strong thing to say.) I think it helps that I always believe it when I say it. They understood things so well and asked tons of questions. The book even helped them understand what they had seen my mom experience during her battle with cancer.

Although there were some nights of crying and a few episodes of getting scared, I was happy that my babies were not afraid to talk to me. I reassured them by saying, “Look, Mommy is going to be okay! And guess what? You get to brag that your Mommy is a survivor! Did you know that?” Sometimes it was hard trying to turn their tears to smiles without crying myself. They always see me being so strong (something I picked up from my Mom), and I thought it was important to let them know that it’s okay to get scared and it’s okay to cry. (I still have to remind myself that.) I had to explain to them that I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things for a little while. I was on a lot of meds and was in bed most of the time.  I couldn’t raise my arms or pick anything up for weeks after the surgery. My youngest had a hard time getting used to me not being able to pick her up. (Yes, I still pick my seven-year-old baby up!) LOL! They even learned how to hug my arm and be very gentle when they touched me. They were so strong. I am so proud of them. My babies!!

I have a lot of love and respect for Moms, especially single Moms like myself. The day-in and day-out never ends, but you wouldn’t change it for the world—because it’s all worth every minute.

Now the hardest part of it all … I had to tell my Mom …

(to be continued…)