Unexpected Angels…

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.  ~Rumi

This journey has had plenty of unexpected moments and places from where strength and courage had to be pulled. One of the most unexpected surprises was a phone call I got from a friend (we will call him 2Trillion!) who told me he was taking a trip to Texas to visit Joel Osteen’s church. Pretty much everyone is familiar with Joel Osteen and his family ministry. I told him to let me know how it goes and to have a great trip. I wished I could have gone.  Not only did he go there and visit the church, he had the opportunity to talk to Dodie Osteen (Joel Osteen’s Mother) about me. He said he told her all about me. Dodie Osteen is known for her ministry of love and compassion. She is also a cancer survivor and has the most powerful testimony I have ever read. She wrote a book called ‘Healed of Cancer.’ I was truly honored when she gifted me her book complete with a personal inscription inside. I have read this book at least five times already, and I carry it with me everywhere I go. The messages in the book are so powerful. I believe the spirit and the mind have a lot to do with our physical state, and this book helped me get my spirit and my mind right! If I ever got the opportunity, I would love to thank her in person. I would love to express to her how that book she so kindly gave me played such an integral role in my healing process.

Another unexpected angel in my journey was Dr. Jaqueline Walters--many of you may know her from the show ‘Married to Medicine.’ A two-time cancer survivor, she was someone I connected with last year through a mutual friend because I knew she had the same surgery. I had met and spoken with her a few times over the past couple of years, but I didn’t know her very well. That quickly changed. Our first of many phone calls lasted for an hour. She helped me mentally prepare by telling me things I should get ready for that she knew from having gone through the same procedure herself. A lot of people say, “I’m here if you need me.” Or “Call me anytime.”  When Jackie said it, she really meant it. Every time I had a question or concern, she was right there when I reached out. Before going to the hospital, she told me all the things I needed to make sure I had. The day of my surgery she showed up with a big box. She said it was just a gift. (Who doesn’t love getting  gifts!) I opened the box and it was filled with pairs of beautiful pajamas ranging from casual to cute and sexy. She said, “All the pajamas button up because you won’t be able to put anything over your head for a while.” I was speechless. The action was so thoughtful. Of course I had not thought of that. It meant so much that she cared enough to do that for me. She knew that only someone who had gone through this would know things like that. When the pain and muscle spasms got unbearable, it was Jackie that I could text at 2am and she would hit me right back with some encouraging statement. She always knew just what to say because she had been there not that long ago. I would shake it off and get my mind right. Jackie also came out to my house to visit me while I was recovering. Unexpectedly, she had another gift in hand. She brought me the softest blankets and booties that you heat in the microwave. They smelled like lavender -- soothing and beautiful. Talk about feeling good! I am thankful for her and her kindness. There are still people in the world that just do because they care about helping others. This connection was only the beginning. Now, I am preparing to help Jackie with her non-profit for breast cancer called ‘Fifty Shades of Pink.’  Don’t worry, you will hear a lot more about that real soon!

There are so many great things that came out of this bad situation… (to be continued)

My Mom Saved My Life …

“When you are a mother you are never really alone in your thoughts. You are connected to your child and to all those who touch your lives. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”   ~ Sophia Loren

I have always thought of my mom as my hero. She is the strongest woman I know. I have never witnessed a woman overcome so many obstacles and handle life with such grace. She instilled the most valuable life lessons. She is the ultimate survivor!  My mom has always played the hand she was dealt (no matter how crappy it was) without complaining. Her beautiful spirit is unforgettable, and her smile is sure to light up any room. Growing up we didn’t have much, but I never felt like I missed having anything. Her caring, comfort and compassion were much more filling than any material things would have been.  She taught me the importance of being independent and how to be responsible.  I grew up fearless believing I can do anything…

I put off writing this particular post because it is very difficult to share this part of my journey. One week before my surgery, I had to face the most difficult task—telling my mom about my diagnosis. I had avoided it for as long as I could. This was the third attempt at telling her, and I knew it was time to follow through. I knew she would take it hard, and I knew I had to be strong. I found myself worrying more about how my mother was going to handle it than worrying about my surgery. I visit my parents often so my coming over was not unusual. It was before I was getting ready to leave that I announced that I needed to talk to them. I turned the television off and then turned to face my mom and dad. My dad says, “What? You’re not about to say you’re pregnant are you?” We all laughed. He certainly broke the ice. I stayed strong and turned off my emotional side. I just said what I had to say head on. I told them I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was going to be okay. My mother immediately broke down. There was no consoling her. Her youngest daughter had just told her the news she dreaded the most.  All I could say was it was going to be okay and it really was going to be okay!!  She kept saying that was all she prayed for was her children to be spared from the disease she had battled twice in the past nine years. It took a while, but after convincing my mom to listen I explained to her that I had been going to the doctor and that my surgery was set for the following week.  I told her every detail. I know you may be wondering why I waited to tell Mom. I didn’t want her to worry about the decision I had to make or to fret about the details. I know, from being a mother myself, you always want to make everything better for your children from the moment they are born. I didn’t want to put a burden on her knowing there was nothing she could do to make it better. I feel like she felt as if there were something she could have done to protect me from this ‘monster’ that had chosen to invade my body. When my mom pulled herself together, she gave me a look of amazement and said, “You are so strong. I can’t believe how strong you are.” To that I simply replied, “I got it from you.”

I told my Mom that she had to look at it as if she saved my life. It’s the truth. Had she not gotten breast cancer the second time, I would have never thought about getting a mammogram when I did. My mom spoke with a friend that echoed this very thing. She told her, “I had to go through it a second time to save my baby.” She told me that was when she realized that her prayers had been answered. And I agree they were…

Throughout this journey, I got support from some of the most unexpected places that you would not believe…

(to be continued) 

Mom and The Polka-Dot Boo-Boo

Telling the Kids ...

With Mother’s Day fast approaching, I will start by saying that everyday is Mother’s Day to me. I wake up each morning to the best two gifts I’ve ever gotten!! Not a day goes by where I don’t thank God for my babies. (They are actually still at the age where they don’t mind me calling them my babies.)  They were both so strong throughout this entire ordeal. I found myself struggling before my surgery with: “How am I going to tell my babies about all of this? They look to me for everything. They will be here and they need to know what is happening…” I believe in telling children the truth. (They are always smarter than we think.) How do you explain breast cancer to a child?

This was a struggle I put off for as long as I could. I had spoken with both of my children’s teachers about what was going on, and one of them suggested we go to the library and look for a book to help explain.  I was all for it.  She told me that she had unfortunately dealt with this issue several times in her classes over the years.  We went to the school library and got on the computer. As we scrolled the screen I thought, “Note to self: There are not many books out that explain cancer on a child’s level.” Then one jumped out at me--one of the merely two we found. It was called “Mom and The Polka-Dot Boo-Boo.” I knew right then that it was perfect without even reading it. I couldn’t wait to tell my Mom about it.  When I did, she was so excited that she jumped right on the computer to order it.

The girls and I sat down with the book together and read. “Mom and The Polka-Dot Boo-Boo” is a gentle story explaining breast cancer through rhyming text to a young child. It includes things that may come along such as loss of energy and hair but emphasizes there is never a loss of love… It’s written by a Mom (Eileen Sutherland) and illustrated by her young daughter (Maggie Sutherland). My daughters loved the child-drawn pictures. This book helped by making such a difficult step easier for me.

The book starts off like this:

I have some news to share with you, to help you understand.  I have a boo-boo in my breast.  It is called cancer, and…

It’s like a polka dot that neither you nor I can see.  It’s settled in behind my skin and we need to set it free...

They were not scared learning of this, and I reassured them everything would be okay. (That’s always the strong thing to say.) I think it helps that I always believe it when I say it. They understood things so well and asked tons of questions. The book even helped them understand what they had seen my mom experience during her battle with cancer.

Although there were some nights of crying and a few episodes of getting scared, I was happy that my babies were not afraid to talk to me. I reassured them by saying, “Look, Mommy is going to be okay! And guess what? You get to brag that your Mommy is a survivor! Did you know that?” Sometimes it was hard trying to turn their tears to smiles without crying myself. They always see me being so strong (something I picked up from my Mom), and I thought it was important to let them know that it’s okay to get scared and it’s okay to cry. (I still have to remind myself that.) I had to explain to them that I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things for a little while. I was on a lot of meds and was in bed most of the time.  I couldn’t raise my arms or pick anything up for weeks after the surgery. My youngest had a hard time getting used to me not being able to pick her up. (Yes, I still pick my seven-year-old baby up!) LOL! They even learned how to hug my arm and be very gentle when they touched me. They were so strong. I am so proud of them. My babies!!

I have a lot of love and respect for Moms, especially single Moms like myself. The day-in and day-out never ends, but you wouldn’t change it for the world—because it’s all worth every minute.

Now the hardest part of it all … I had to tell my Mom …

(to be continued…)

Inspiring Journeys – Featured Blog Series

When this journey began, I started looking for stories of other survivors to read. I wanted to know what someone else’s journey looked like in her own words—from her own unique perspective. It led me to several articles and blogs. (At this time, I had not thought about starting a blog or even sharing my journey.  It still felt like such a private experience to me.) I read story after story. Some I couldn’t read because it was just too painful. I was thinking, “Where are the good ones—the ones with the happy endings and the celebration trips at the end?” I wanted to read something that could lift me up. I was seeking stories that would give me inspiration through showing strength and courage. I needed to know how people were sharing this emotional experience that’s so hard to understand and accept. Then I came across one blog which was simply unforgettable. It’s called Cancer In My Thirties http://cancerinmythirties.wordpress.com/ 

When I clicked on her 'About Me' section, it read:

“At 33 I was told that the lumps in my breast were probably nothing. So I did nothing, believing I was ‘too young for breast cancer’.

Shortly after my 34^th birthday – and now no health insurance – I discovered that Cancer didn’t care how old I was. On my twin kindergartners’ birthdays, the Diagnosis of Her2 positive Stage 3C breast cancer rocked my foundation and changed my world in an instant…”

Okay, I have to be honest and say I was afraid to read anymore because this brought tears to my eyes. I soon learned this woman’s story was just what I needed to read at that time. Her spirit and her attitude still take my breath away. I wanted to hug her through the screen for being so open and honest and most of all—brave. Not only did I read more, I signed up to follow her blog. As a writer I enjoy being moved by words. I love the way she is unafraid to venture out with other topics and just write about what is on her mind and in her heart. The images of her adorable and innocent twin boys stay in the back of my mind still today.

Her post that really made me think was ‘Things I Don’t Think I’ll Get To Do Before I Die’ 

(I know… I had to read the title a couple of times myself.)

Her post was light-hearted, honest, and most of all it reminded me that it’s the little moments and small things in life (often taken for granted) that really matter the most.

This post was a reality check. It made me stop and contemplate, “What would be on my list?”

One thing I vividly remember my grandfather saying was, “Never put off tomorrow what you can do today. Tomorrow is promised to no one.” I miss that wise man. 

It really made me think, “Do your days have to be numbered for you to live like it? and Why not choose to live each day to the fullest?"

So I ask you…What would be on your list?

I want to thank Cancer In My Thirties for allowing me to feature her blog as the first one that truly inspired me! Please check it out.

See her list below:

20 45 Things I’m Afraid I Won’t Get to Do Before I Die:

1.            Watch my kids go off to Fourth Grade

2.            Put my toes in the ocean again

3.            Dance with my sons at their weddings in 15 years or so

4.            Have my overdue eye exam — and get stylish new glasses

5.            Hold a new baby

6.            Be my youngest sister’s matron of honor (she’s 20)

7.            Get a new puppy

8.            Hold my grandchildren

9.            Finish the next season of The Living Dead

10.        See Mumford & Sons in concert

11.        Have the option to opt out of going to my 10-year college reunion (because I don’t feel like going, not because I’m dead)

12.        Visit my family’s homeland (England/Scotland)

13.        Celebrate my sons’ 10th birthdays

14.        Publish my novel

15.        Finish writing said novel

16.        Publish a children’s book

17.        Use my teaching degree

18.        See some of my dearest friends again — jme, Jin, Loren, Sue, Sheri, Gil

19.        Make it to another winter (and I hate winter)

20.        Watch my children graduate from (and start!) high school

21.        See the love of my life again

22.        Experience what it’s like to have hormones again (or go a day without being hot and drenched from night/day sweats one minute and then shivering cold the next)

23.        Shed tears as I pack my kids up for college

24.        Shed tears as I wave my kids off to middle school

25.        See my mother happy

26.        Get divorced

27.        Be with someone who truly cares for me & who will miss me when I’m gone

28.        Listen to a lot more music

29.        Learn to play piano

30.        Live a day where money doesn’t keep me from doing the things I want to do for my kids

31.        Travel more

32.        Start a new job

33.        Hear that there is a cure/vaccine for cancer

34.        Show my kids the world

35.        Fall asleep snuggled next to my kids and my dogs more

36.        Experience a pain-free day

37.        Remember what it’s like to have energy

38.        To stress out about doing next year’s taxes

39.        Turn 40

40.        Turn 50

41.        Turn 60

42.        Turn 70

43.        Grow old

44.        To let go of everything that is holding me back…

45.        To say that I truly lived — and mean it…

All Is Well! ...

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” ~William Shakespeare

Growing up living by 'The Golden Rule' that my grandfather instilled in me when I was three years old, I’ve always looked for the best in people and also have always been very forgiving. However, thinking people would treat me as I treated them left me open to a lot of hurt.

When the people in your life that are supposed to be there to take care of you—the ones that you trust to have your back and hold you down—drop the ball and disappoint you multiple times throughout your life, you come to expect everyone to let you down. Disappointment becomes routine. For the most part, that has been true all of my life. Trusting someone will be there when I really need them has always been a struggle.

When I got my diagnosis, I was told to “get ready to find out who your true friends are.” I was somewhat prepared but still surprised at and hurt by the people that were nowhere to be found, even after I reached out. Ouch! It really did hurt...

On the flip side, I learned that the friends who were there are the most amazing friends on the planet! (I mean amazing!!) Not just because they stand by my side but because they actually accept me for who I am. They don't judge me, and they give without expectation. They do all of this without thinking about it, because that's what true friends do. My friends know that when I walk into a room full of people I get quiet because I'm very cautious. They know I'm just taking in my environment. My friends know I try to do everything and sometimes I may go a little harder than I should without asking for help even though I need it. They understand that I put pressure on myself, and I often feel like everything falls on me.

Days before my surgery, I sat down at our regular monthly brunch with my girlfriends. I knew I couldn't do this alone. I had accepted this as fact. I looked at the same faces that I have seen for the past 15 to 20 years. We have had our ups and downs. We have weathered storms. We have celebrated good times and have been there for each other in bad. None of us are perfect, but we are there for each other. Even as I write this, words can't explain the amount of love I have for these women who are not just my friends. They are my sisters and my angels. I looked them in their eyes—they know how strong I am (and I don't like to cry!). I said, "I don't want any tears!" I didn't want a pity party. As I explained my situation, I watched my friends look at me with glassy eyes fighting back the urge to cry because that was what I said I wanted. I said, "I am scared and I need you all. I choose to walk in faith. I choose to be strong, and I choose to win. If anyone asks you how I'm doing you tell them 'All is well!'” The looks in their eyes told me they were proud. (I knew my announcement was a lot to take in). I allowed the weight I was carrying to be lifted. It felt as if each of my angels each took a piece to carry. They all sent me a message without words that said, "Don't worry! We got you!" We hugged and smiled, and it was done. I felt light as if God were answering prayers as we sat and continued on with brunch. In two days, my friends (headed by the best project manager in the world!!) set up a schedule to make sure someone was at my home to help me morning, noon and night. They helped with laundry, the kids, cleaning the house and doing the dishes. There's always the friend who steps up and says, “Sit down! We got this!” They just showed up and did what had to be done. It was such a blessing. They knew what I needed without even asking. My dear friend who told me, "The fake friends won't show up!," put together a meal train which had a calendar for people to sign up to bring me breakfast, lunch and dinner. My children stayed on their schedule and had everything they needed. All I had to do was recover. (This is still hard to talk about because my friends were there every step of the way. They never missed a beat.)

My amazing friends are the reason my recovery went so well. They are the reason I look at life so differently now. They are my true friends, and I love them dearly. My mom always says, “Now those are your friends!” I don't use the term ‘friend’ loosely (anymore). They keep telling me to stop thanking them because they said I would do the same for them, and they are right...I love you guys so much!!
“All is Well!”  

(to be continued…)

There Is A ‘Perk’ After All!!

The time came to face the music. I recall reading an interview of a friend who is also a survivor. She said she went home and had a pity party after being given her cancer diagnosis. When no one showed up for the party, she had to get up and face reality. My friend decided to make lemonade out of lemons. Personally, I am no fan of pity parties; I do, however, happen to love lemonade. I was not nervous on the way to the appointment. It always helps when someone who cares about you calls at the right time and gives some encouraging words. My friend’s positive words gave me strength. I found myself feeling ready for whatever ‘He’ had in store for me. 

I walked into the plastic surgeon’s office, and it looked amazing. From the one-of-a-kind art pieces on the wall to the high-end lingerie store in the waiting area. It felt like an office right out of Beverly Hills. It didn’t feel like I was at the doctor. (That certainly helped!) The furniture was beautiful. It appeared as if no cost was spared. From the chandeliers and marble floors to the end tables, elegance surrounded me. The wait was not long, and I was fortunate to have my sister was right by my side. I scanned the room and noticed no one looked like me although everyone was pretty young. My name was called. My sister and I both went back, and the consultation began. The first thing I said after introductions was, “Ok, I’m still so young, and I’m single--and I may want to have another baby.” I don’t even know why I was saying those things. The words just burst out of me in a blurt. My doctor gave me the nicest smile and said with such excitement, “Don’t worry, you’re going to love your boobs! They’re going to be beautiful!!” Her smile was contagious, and it put me at ease. My worry faded. I was confident I was in good hands. 

I had several questions. I wanted to know every detail about what I was getting into with this surgery. My doctor was not only warm, she was also personable and compassionate. (This made a big difference!) She answered every question I had and them some. We talked for two hours. I had to know every possible scenario that could happen. Fortunately, she didn’t mind. It felt as if she would have sat for five hours if that was what I had needed. By the end of the consultation, I felt like I could trust her. I had seen pictures of her work, and it did look amazing!! At the end of the consultation, she asked me to take my shirt off, and when I did her reaction was, “They are beautiful!” I laughed and said, “I know! I love them!” She responded, “Don’t worry, they will be even more amazing. You will love them even more!” I said, “Whew! So there is a perk to this whole thing?” Still excited she said, “Absolutely!  Don’t worry!”

I learned that the young patients in the waiting area were her breast cancer patients as well, and most of her patients were in the twenties and thirties. That information blew me away!! I had no idea how prevalent this cancer was in young women. Today, I know that breast cancer does not discriminate with race or age. I still can’t help but wonder why women aren’t told to start getting mammograms until they’re age 40. (That seems so crazy to me now, especially having two daughters to think about). 

I left the doctor thinking, “I’m going to loooove my boobs!” My experience at the plastic surgeon’s office had been such a positive one. This guided my outlook on the surgery and allowed me to stay focused on my healing and the recovery. It also gave me the strength to block any negative thoughts from entering my mind. Everything seemed to be happening so fast and now I was ready to get past this. However, I knew I couldn’t—go through this alone. I needed a team of support. It was time to tell my loved ones…

(to be continued…) 

My Escape To A Happy Place …

I wear so many hats every day. Sometimes, I wonder how I do it all—how I manage to get everything accomplished. I promise I don’t do it alone. Up until this point in my life, I had been able to handle every situation that had been thrown at me. As much as I wanted to say, “I’m ready. I can handle this. I can beat this. I am strong,” this was simply too much!! It was emotional. It was scary. I couldn’t even talk about my diagnosis or the next steps. I just wasn’t ready…

Everyone close to me knows that I truly believe that in any situation, you have the right, the power and the ability to choose your experience. At this moment, I was choosing to run away from it all! I chose to escape … just for a little while anyway. I needed to laugh.  Laughter is contagious—it’s healing, and it’s good for the soul. I needed to have some fun!

Even during this dark time, light shone through in so many ways. A blessing appeared in the form of a dear friend. Years ago he introduced me to a special place as an adult where I had the time of my life... DISNEY WORLD!! It now qualifies as one of my “happy places.” It was exactly what I needed at that time. I let loose, become a big kid again and laugh—a lot! This was during the holidays, and seeing my children happy always makes me happy—especially around Christmas. Anyone who has been to Disney during the holidays knows just how amazing it is. I decided to surprise them…

I called up a friend and said lets go to Florida and take the kids.  After about ten minutes of convincing she agreed after approving the house I chose to rent.  We left for the trip and had the time of our lives.  A really good friend came through and made sure we had everything we needed for the trip!  There was no sleeping on this getaway.  We all went hard!!   It was all about being in the moment and enjoying life!!  Everyday was a new adventure.  My friend didn’t know how hard I could go.  The kids had a blast.  We hit the parks and rode everything possible, we did the dinner murder mystery, and even made time for some adult fun in the night-life after putting the kids to bed and leaving them with a sitter.  It was the perfect escape!  I put my diagnosis out of my mind the entire trip until the last day.  On that day I had to tell my friend why this trip had been so important.  She was shocked and didn’t know what to say.  She almost didn’t take me serious at first, but knew I would never joke about anything so serious.  She asked me did the kids or my mom know and I let her know they didn’t.  I told her I had to get ready to get back to the real world because my Doctor appointments would start back as soon as we returned for the new year.  My trip had come to an end. :(   Time to leave my happy place and go back home to put back on the vest with the ‘S’ on my chest.   I was ready!  At least that’s what I told myself.  It was time to be strong and face this thing head on.  I prayed for strength and I prayed for courage.  I also knew I could not fight this alone. It was time to tell my friends (the friends (my angels) who would be there for me every step of the way …. But First, I had my first appointment with the plastic surgeon…

(to be continued…)